site refresh, life refresh, what's up?
site refresh
I added a new scrolly background thing to the site (best viewed on desktop), refreshed the navigation layout, and I’m happy with the results. This is the first time I’ve worked on the site in a while so I had forgotten how much fun it could be. Reading up on my html/css and brushing up on the site’s backend I realized: if I was having more fun with my site, I’d probably use it a lot more!! That’s the root of the issue, I was never going to make posts for the site if I’m concerned with trying to make a portfolio that’s gonna land me a job instead of focusing on making stuff to have fun!
So going forward that’s what I intend to do with this site, I’m gonna try and use it much more informally, as a journal, and as an outlet for me to have as much fun on my computer creating things as possible.
life refresh
I mean while we’re here, lets get started and talk about me! I haven’t been in the best mental space that past year: I’ve been out of college for a year, with very little drive/motivation to contribute to society or fight for my own independence. I’ve lived in either my parents house or a college dorm my whole life. But what does all this have to do with my website?
Well, I think the another primary reason I’ve neglected my site for so long is a more general fear of judgment. I definitely mask a lot in my daily life and end up quietly dealing with a lot of shame, and that’s not the greatest for me! So, from now I’m I’ve decided I’m going to spend as much time as I can unlearning shame and figuring out what it really means to be myself.
it’s kinda obvious now that i think about it
That fear of judgment, truly is what bit me in the ass. I mean, you take me–a socially anxious queer in a small rural american nothing town–it’s really not surprising that I feel a lot of shame about my gender expression. Although throughout college I identified as nonbinary or agender, I think in reality those labels were just what I decided felt “safe” to identify as. But then, it wasn’t really a matter of “safety” but of shame. I prioritized feeling “normal” rather than maximizing my own comfort back then, and I regret it to this day.
Thankfully however, my determination to be happy is stronger now, and and I’m ready to be honest with the world: I’m trans. I have an appointment made for informed consent HRT, and for once in my life I feel like I couldn’t be happier. I’m also moving out of my parents house, so I’m escaping the depressing shroud of parental judgment!! So, ya girl’s really moving up in the world! I’m sure this is going to be a difficult change with its own challenges, but I’m ready to take them on.
conclusion
Thanks for listening to me talk about myself. I hope if nothing else someone can learn something about themselves from my experience. Take care and be yourself y’all!
– Sophie ♥